monster B

WARNING: "Huwag Tularan"

...na meet ko si monster B sa baguio.nakasama ko siya sa mga lakad,sa kainan,sa projects,naging magka ibigan kami..we shared stories,we shared jokes,we exchanged notes (kasi hindi pa uso ang text at cellphones)...we go out for ice cream in the middle of the night,sa session road kahit malamig ang gabi...naglalakad,nagtatawan at ine-enjoy ang drumstick sa aming kamay.minsan may nakakakita,minsan wala.pero wala naman kaming pakialam noon kasi para sa amin masaya lang kami,at walang ginagawang masama...
...nagtapat si monster B pero tinanggihan...strict kasi ang parents ko,friends na lang tayo...nasaktan man,hindi naman tumigil si monster B sa pakikipag kaibigan sakin,in fact lagi ko siyang kasama kahit saan...kilala ako ng mga magulang ni monster B at kilala din naman siya ng pamilya ko...everything is smooth-sailing sabi nga...
...inabot ng isang taon ang pagkakaibigan namin bago ko na-realize that i was feeling something for him...i love him...i prayed: "Lord,i really like this guy,pede mo ba siyang ibigay sa akin?"...
...my prayer was answered,thank God!
...to make the very long story short (as the relationsip lasted for 6 years),he broke up with me on April 23,2003...right after his graduation from college...the letter says:
            "Im letting you go,setting you free...we need to grow...blah-blah-blah"
...everything became blurry...i was lost for words,i was void- i went completely crazy.
...first i thought ending my life will end the pain...but slashing my own wrist is just too painful...i cant do it.
...second i thought,alcohol will help numb the pain,it didnt,for in the morning when i wake up,reality strikes in and the inevitable happens...im hurting...hurting so bad i thought,my life has no meaning...
...third i thought,there must be something more painful that what im feeling...more painful than the deep stabs in my heart everytime i hear a song,everytime i remember him...so i thought,im going to get a tattoo,yun man lang ma-overcome ko yung pain...i arranged for the artist to meet me at my aunt's house...i drank two bottles of red horse to relax my nerves...the first thing the artist asked was: "may tattoo ka na ba dati?" i answered: "wala,first timer ako...",artist said:"are you sure you want to have a tattoo?",i said: "get it on!"
...at the first few seconds as the machine went down my skin,sa isip ko: "ang sakit!ayoko na!",pero i held my tongue telling myself: "kaya ko ito,kakayanin ko ito,ito man lang ma-overcome ko..."
...the tattoo was nice..served the purpose,but did not quite overcome the one that's faltering every second,my heart who's breaking up into pieces...its so real i can't breathe...
...later that year in October 2003,i received a message...monster B's returning!naturally,i accepted him back with open arms,but it was a big mistake...we were eating at Chowking this one time,his kuya asked what i want for lunch,as monster B was carrying the tray over our table i saw the ring,an engagement ring...i asked: "what's that?"...for which he promptly answered: "ring!"...ok.calm down...its just a ring...i felt so sick...here is this guy,whom i never asked to come back in my life and here he is tearing me apart again...
...the next morning when he was taking a bath,i sneeked inside his room and looked for his wallet...i felt the "ring" inside the pocket and took it out...before i peeked i prayed: "Lord,please...please....please...don't.."
...engraved inside the ring was the name of the "girl"...i screamed...
..."aaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!"
...he rushed then to me,asking me what's wrong...i squared my shoulders...wiped the tears and said: "nothing,im going now.." it was a long day...i kept on asking myself why does he have to come back?i never asked him to come back...never did and never will ask him to come back...
...that night i asked him: "do you still love me?"and he can't answer me back,its like im talking to no one and im alone that night...that's the time i realized i need to let go...if he had told me he loved me i would have thrown my hands in the air and told him im willing to forget everything if we could start anew...but no,he can't answer me.
...if he had answered that he still loves me,i would have told him to forget the past..but no,he can't answer me.so i told him: "im letting you go,especially since you're making me feel that you are miserable with me,and no matter what i do,nothing can convince you to stay...so go..."
...he answered: "paano ka?"...hahahaha!isn't that stupid?all along he's hurting me and he's got the nerves to tell me: "paano ka?"
...the relationship ended,i didnt asked about the "girl"...no confrontations,no shouting,no histeria,i asked just one question: "does she know about me?"...and that,he didnt answer too...
...i closed my eyes,trying to shut the pain away...6 years gone to waste.
...i should have left him the first time he pulled at my hair,the first slap,the first kick,the first punch...i endured it,i kept on telling myself: "God gave me you...you'll change one day"...but he never did...
...mali ba na sinampal nya ako kaya ako nadulas at tumama ang siko ko sa semento kaya nasugat?
...mali ba na bumabakat sa braso ko yung mga kamay nya kapag hinihila nya ako?
...mali bang magkapasa-pasa kapag hinahampas nya ako ng kahit na anong bagay na mahawakan nya?
...mali ba na sinisipa nya ako na parang wala akong pakiramdam?
...mali ba na ako ay verbally,emotionally at physically abused?
...mali bang suntukin nya yung aquarium na binigay ko sa kanya,na bumuhos sa akin lahat ng tubig at patayin nya yung mga isda na binili  ko at ipakin sa aso?
...mali ba na pagsasampalin niya ako kahit hindi na ako makagalaw sa isang sulok?
...gaano kaya kabigat yung mga kasalanan ko sa kanya that time?gaano kaya kapangit ang ugali ko to deserve all the pain?
...it was a big mistake..coz i let him hurt me...hindi ko naipag laban ang sarili ko...
...so if i was the one who asked him to go...isnt it right?i should have done that a long time ago...
...so if they say first love never dies: i beg to disagree.
...love will lead him back: di bale na lang.
...yeah-yeah,i was told over and over again by my friends (few friends who knows) im stupid...yeah...i am stupid,admitting it,is another thing though.
...im glad i wrote this 7 years after we went our separate ways...coz i don't feel anything anymore...
...i regret that i ever let him hurt me...it was my fault...or is it really my fault...i guess so...
...they say that things happen for a reason,for me to learn,for me to grow...
...guess what? i really don't know...